School for Lance

the past couple days have been better for us. since i've been on pain meds for the cramping and everything, lance has been taking good care of hyrum. i still can't lift him. he's too heavy and i'm always hurting myself. i've been wandering around more and having conversations more instead of being a recluse. ashley is here for a couple days to help me with hyrum while lance is starting school!

that brings me to the main event. LANCE STARTED SCHOOL!! he looked so cute when he left. and he even smelled really good. he started out in math. no one wanted to sit by him. he's convinced that his beard is intimidating. i think it was the wedding ring that deterred people. i mean, who likes to hang out with married guys that have beards? besides me. i obviously love hanging out with my bearded husband. he was late for his biology class. he's really excited for his biology class. you know....he likes science.

my dad came down today with ashley and gave lance a blessing for school and to work through the miscarriage. i've been wanting to get like a necklace or a ring or something in remembrance of our little sawyer. lance swears on his life that he truly believes the baby was a girl. he really feels strongly about it. so i believe him and we're going with her being a girl. i see everywhere people being pregnant and having ultrasounds of their healthy babies and i am so happy for them. i makes me sad that i wasn't able to have that, it stings a bite every time i see something. but that doesn't mean i'm not happy for my friends with their growing and developing babies. it just means i'm going to have to live vicariously through them till i can get a healthy baby of my own. i mean i already have one but after being so excited for our new one and then having her taken away i feel like i'm missing something. me and lance were playing with hyrum in the living room and we just kind of felt empty. like there was a person missing. i'm not sure if it's because she was there with us at the moment, or because we're dwelling on it.

i got emails from my brother and lance's sister. i really am missing them lately. i feel like if ty was home i would have had him come over and be with me. there's something about ty. i feel like i always go to him for a cheer up. lindsey sent lance a email. i feel like it helped him. we're planning on going to the temple on wednesday with my parents. i'm gonna see if lance's parents wanna come with us. there's a new film and i am excited to watch it.

i had a meltdown last night that only lance could help. poor guy. he's the glue to this family right now. people keep telling me that i'm such a strong individual and that my faith and testimony has helped some of them through their difficult times. i don't see it. i mean i see me moping around and holding hyrum every moment i get. if anyone is a strong person, it's lance. he never ceases to amaze me. i am very grateful to have him. i don't know what i'd do if i ever lost him.

this post is just a bunch of fluff. writing about it and talking about everything that's happened is helping me cope with my emotions and feelings. knowing that people support us and are praying for us is helping both me and lance. i feel like there are some people who are glad and don't feel bad for us at all. that breaks my heart but there are some people who will never be worth my time or my emotions. sorry but that's just how i feel. i've gotten a lot of calls and texts and i thank every one for that. i'm surrounded by a lot of people who love me and want the very best for me. i'm lucky. that's for sure.