baby Sawyer

me and lance had a terrible week. it started good on monday, tuesday it took a turn for the worst. at my first dr appointment i found out that the baby i was carrying and sooooo excited for had died a couple days earlier. something with chromosomes. wednesday wasn't good either and i started a little cramping. thursday i didn't even bother to get out of bed at all. and friday i went in for major surgery. ok it wasn't major. they didn't even cut me. but it was surgery because i was put under for it. really neat experience. but friday was the day they took the baby away from me. i went in pregnant and left loopy and not pregnant. i've been having terrible cramps and headaches since. and i'm still in mourning.

we wanted to find out the gender and name it (thank you nora terry for that idea) but they don't even see the baby they just vacuum it out, which i feel is super disrespectful to the little baby, but i guess it's the best way to get things done. so instead we went through a bunch of gender neutral names and stopped at sawyer. so our baby is a sawyer baby.

melanie came for a few days to take care of me and hyrum. thank heavens. i don't think i could have done anything but maybe burn the place down. lance's boss sent him home thursday morning to be with me because by then i was cramping more and worried i'd have to make an emergency run to the ER. the dr really didn't want me to pass it at home. he was worried about all the bleeding because the baby was kinda sorta big.

meanwhile i had a ton of support. thank you facebook friends. i got message after message. comment after comment about praying for us and i know it's been working. what doesn't help is the fact that some people don't think it's a big deal because "it's just a miscarriage" "you can always have more". but you know...it is a big deal. that was my child, and i'll never get to hold it, or tickle it, or teach it to rap fresh prince (i'm teaching hyrum slowly but surely). but you know what does help? knowing that i'm sealed to my family. being sealed is the best thing in the world. knowing that if anything happens to any of my family, i can be with them again. this is when living in logan and having the temple just down the road is really helpful. we can go anytime we want (when we can actually find a babysitter).

lance gave me an amazing blessing before we left to go to the hospital. we were all in tears (not a big surprise as most of our days have been filled with tears). he is such an amazing husband. can i just tell you?? he didn't leave my side all day friday. he carried me to the bathroom. he brought me anything that i needed. he snuggled with me when i was ready to die. he has been taking care of hyrum all day today because i'm still sorta loopy and they told me not to carry him for a few days. and he is just an all around amazing person. the best person that i know. hyrum is a little stink. he's been spoiled and now he feels like being spoiled some more and cries and cries when it's time to sleep. but he's also giggling all day. and hearing his giggle makes me forget my grief. makes both me and lance smile. i love my family. and now i just have another birthstone to eventually put with the rest of my kids. i want 7, you know.

so everyone is probably tired of hearing how miserable i am so this is it. this is the end of the misery. (public misery) no doubt i'll still cry in my bed at night, or hold hyrum and wonder why i can't have my baby sawyer with me. i can't look at my stomach and smile anymore now that i don't have anything but pizza in there. and a loss is a loss. i lost my baby. it's not something that goes away. it's a grieving process. but we'll be ok. it gets better every day. as long as we have each other and hyrum, we have everything.