warning: this post will be slightly dramatic.
so i have this feeling that i need to explain why i do what i do, and why i handle things the way i handle them. i have a feeling that there are those who are seeing me as a judgmental, rude, stubborn person. when in fact, i am only one of those things…stubborn.
i have been known to hold grudges. it's a family trait. it comes with the stubborn-ness. i have been trying to get better at that. i let go of how i was treated in high school and realized that i deserved 95% percent of it. i let go of the instances where people have used and abused me. i let go of the things that people have done to my loved ones that caused them pain. but i feel like if it's an ongoing process of hurting me and causing me grief, treating me like i would treat a nasty pile of vomit and saying things to and about me to other, i just need to let go of that person.
there's this saying "turn the other cheek" or something. i learned it in primary. but there is someone that i have turned the other cheek like 50 times and it hasn't done anything. there's another saying: it happens once, shame on you. it happens twice, shame on me. but…and that's a huge "but"... in this situation it is: it happens once, shame on me. it happens twice, shame on me…all the way up to it's happened close to 50 times…shame on me. everything that happens always falls back to it being my fault, and it causes tension where there should not be any tension.
in places where i am supposed to feel safe, i always feel under attack and on guard. if i say something…sometimes anything at all (ex. i don't like summer) it's taken wrong and it gets twisted and i get made fun of, yelled at, accused of ridiculous things and shunned (only for a couple minutes but still it shouldn't happen). if i give my opinion on anything, such as church and how i agree with a talk, it's a personal attack on someone.
so as to why i deal with things the way i do….if i have tried to have a good relationship with someone, and i mean really tried, but it always backfires, i'm gonna let go of that person. if i have let go of things that were said to me and done to me and forgiven someone for the same thing time after time after time after time (i could go on) i'm gonna let go of that person. if i can't ever speak freely without someone yelling at me, telling me that i'm judgmental (even if it wasn't even a judgmental statement at all), i'm gonna let go of that person. if i feel that having someone in my life that is always fighting me (most times over nothing at all) and is causing unnecessary drama and problems, i'm gonna let go of that person. why? because i am the kind of person that won't let people walk all over me. i'm the kind of person who will always stand up for myself, my husband, my children, and what i believe in (but not in the obnoxious "in your face" way that most people do these days). i will forgive and forget for something that is done to me by the same person. but if it happens 5 or 6 times….i'm still going to forgive and forget, but i'm gonna let go of that person. because that person is tearing me down spiritually by causing me to have harsh feelings. and that person thinks that it's ok to treat people like that and that it's fine, and i personally don't want my children to think that it's ok to treat people rudely like that and to caused problems where there shouldn't be problems. i'm trying to live my life like a good person and that is hard to do if i have to constantly fight with someone over something so ridiculous. and it's hard to talk to someone if they are constantly taking what i say and are twisting it and making it rude. i don't ever fight just to fight. i don't ever take the first strike. in order to fight, i have to first have someone say something extremely rude to me and start that fight. in order to get mad, i have to be provoked by someone misusing and abusing me over and over again. and i do not want to live like that anymore.
i apologize if this offends some people…but here's the thing. it shouldn't. so if it does then maybe i need to let go of you too. i have been super cautious about what i've put on here to make it not to one specific person because it's not just one specific person. but if you're feeling guilty then maybe the shoe fits and somethings gotta change. if you have an issue with me, instead of talking about me, try talking to me. if i've offended you with something that i say, talk to me about it. don't yell at me and accuse me of things but tell me calmly and we'll work through it. and i know there are those thinking "well why don't you go talk to whoever you have beef with, hypocrite" and my response is this. every person that i have had a problem with, i have confronted. sometimes it's worked out. other times it blew up right in my face. but as of late, i'm not the one with the problem with people. they have the problem with me. because they take what i say completely wrong, they take what i do (even if it's going to work) and make it rude (i'm not exaggerating either). and i have a couple people that i confide in and i tell them the story and tell them exactly what happened and what i said and ask them if they think it was rude, if i was taking it wrong, if i actually did something wrong. and sometimes i do take it wrong so i don't do anything about it and i let it go. but most times the response is "nope, you did nothing wrong".
so that is my rant. i hope that if anyone is thinking poorly of me, you will understand why i let go of some people. i hope that if someone has a problem with something i say, or are offended by it, you'll come to me. not my mother, not my husband, but me. and ask me if i meant it rude or how i meant it. my brother does that. if he thinks i'm taking a stab at him and i'm not he'll call me up and ask me if i meant it that way. if i did then i tell him yes and say why. but if i didn't i say no and i explain and that is how peace is kept. not by nosey people causing problems where there shouldn't be but by the person who is upset about it talking about it to me. most of the time is misinterpreted. and i guess that's my fault. i've never really known how to say things gracefully. but i have known how to resolve issues if they are brought up to me.
on a brighter note, it's saturday. it's general conference weekend and it's one of my favorite weekends. so many awesome talks, family time, and crepes!!! i love all of you (unless i don't know you then i guess…i don't know you). i gotta go eat some food and get ready for work.
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