confession time: my long-time-coming rant

warning: this post will be slightly dramatic.

so i have this feeling that i need to explain why i do what i do, and why i handle things the way i handle them. i have a feeling that there are those who are seeing me as a judgmental, rude, stubborn person. when in fact, i am only one of those things…stubborn.

i have been known to hold grudges. it's a family trait. it comes with the stubborn-ness. i have been trying to get better at that. i let go of how i was treated in high school and realized that i deserved 95% percent of it. i let go of the instances where people have used and abused me. i let go of the things that people have done to my loved ones that caused them pain. but i feel like if it's an ongoing process of hurting me and causing me grief, treating me like i would treat a nasty pile of vomit and saying things to and about me to other, i just need to let go of that person.

 there's this saying "turn the other cheek" or something. i learned it in primary. but there is someone that i have turned the other cheek like 50 times and it hasn't done anything.  there's another saying: it happens once, shame on you. it happens twice, shame on me. but…and that's a huge "but"... in this situation it is: it happens once, shame on me. it happens twice, shame on me…all the way up to it's happened close to 50 times…shame on me. everything that happens always falls back to it being my fault, and it causes tension where there should not be any tension.

in places where i am supposed to feel safe, i always feel under attack and on guard. if i say something…sometimes anything at all (ex. i don't like summer) it's taken wrong and it gets twisted and i get made fun of, yelled at, accused of ridiculous things and shunned (only for a couple minutes but still it shouldn't happen). if i give my opinion on anything, such as church and how i agree with a talk, it's a personal attack on someone.

so as to why i deal with things the way i do….if i have tried to have a good relationship with someone, and i mean really tried, but it always backfires, i'm gonna let go of that person. if i have let go of things that were said to me and done to me and forgiven someone for the same thing time after time after time after time (i could go on) i'm gonna let go of that person. if i can't ever speak freely without someone yelling at me, telling me that i'm judgmental (even if it wasn't even a judgmental statement at all), i'm gonna let go of that person. if i feel that having someone in my life that is always fighting me (most times over nothing at all) and is causing unnecessary drama and problems, i'm gonna let go of that person. why? because i am the kind of person that won't let people walk all over me. i'm the kind of person who will always stand up for myself, my husband, my children, and what i believe in (but not in the obnoxious "in your face" way that most people do these days). i will forgive and forget for something that is done to me by the same person. but if it happens 5 or 6 times….i'm still going to forgive and forget, but i'm gonna let go of that person. because that person is tearing me down spiritually by causing me to have harsh feelings. and that person thinks that it's ok to treat people like that and that it's fine, and i personally don't want my children to think that it's ok to treat people rudely like that and to caused problems where there shouldn't be problems. i'm trying to live my life like a good person and that is hard to do if i have to constantly fight with someone over something so ridiculous. and it's hard to talk to someone if they are constantly taking what i say and are twisting it and making it rude. i don't ever fight just to fight. i don't ever take the first strike. in order to fight, i have to first have someone say something extremely rude to me and start that fight. in order to get mad, i have to be provoked by someone misusing  and abusing me over and over again. and i do not want to live like that anymore.

i apologize if this offends some people…but here's the thing. it shouldn't. so if it does then maybe i need to let go of you too. i have been super cautious about what i've put on here to make it not to one specific person because it's not just one specific person. but if you're feeling guilty then maybe the shoe fits and somethings gotta change. if you have an issue with me, instead of talking about me, try talking to me. if i've offended you with something that i say, talk to me about it. don't yell at me and accuse me of things but tell me calmly and we'll work through it. and i know there are those thinking "well why don't you go talk to whoever you have beef with, hypocrite" and my response is this. every person that i have had a problem with, i have confronted. sometimes it's worked out. other times it blew up right in my face. but as of late, i'm not the one with the problem with people. they have the problem with me. because they take what i say completely wrong, they take what i do (even if it's going to work) and make it rude (i'm not exaggerating either). and i have a couple people that i confide in and i tell them the story and tell them exactly what happened and what i said and ask them if they think it was rude, if i was taking it wrong, if i actually did something wrong. and sometimes i do take it wrong so i don't do anything about it and i let it go. but most times the response is "nope, you did nothing wrong".

so that is my rant. i hope that if anyone is thinking poorly of me, you will understand why i let go of some people. i hope that if someone has a problem with something i say, or are offended by it, you'll come to me. not my mother, not my husband, but me. and ask me if i meant it rude or how i meant it. my brother does that. if he thinks i'm taking a stab at him and i'm not he'll call me up and ask me if i meant it that way. if i did then i tell him yes and say why. but if i didn't i say no and i explain and that is how peace is kept. not by nosey people causing problems where there shouldn't be but by the person who is upset about it talking about it to me. most of the time is misinterpreted. and i guess that's my fault. i've never really known how to say things gracefully. but i have known how to resolve issues if they are brought up to me.

on a brighter note, it's saturday. it's general conference weekend and it's one of my favorite weekends. so many awesome talks, family time, and crepes!!! i love all of you (unless i don't know you then i guess…i don't know you). i gotta go eat some food and get ready for work.

it's been a day or so...

...when i say "day" i really mean "month". it is now march. there's been a few things.

lance got a job! at interstate feeders. he is loving it. more than life. and i'm glad that he likes it! it's good to have my husband say "i miss work" on his days off instead of "jeez i need more time off". it's pretty awesome. he recently bought his dream truck to fix up. he spends a lot of his time trying to fix everything. i'm glad he has it to keep him busy. once it's all done it's gonna be one sexy piece of chev.

hyrum is bigger than ever and this kid has so much personality. i only know of one kid his age that has more personality than he does and that's his cousin, jak. that little jak is full of life. i really wanna meet the kid in real life. he's got the mentality of a 3 year old. but hyrum isn't that advanced. that's ok tho. he's more advanced than a lot of kids his age. he loves fish. he pulls our kitchen chairs to see the fish tank. he calls them shish. he loves the cows. his favorite is to go with his grampa kurt and see them cows. if me and lance are watching dr pol on animal planet he sees the cows (or even horses) and starts mooing. he has an ear infection right now, my poor little guy. but is still in good spirits….most of the time.

one sunday, at my parent's house, we were having dinner and someone left the door open. i went in the living room and everyone else came in too and hyrum was playing with amber. well she left too. after like 5 min i realized i didn't hear a little hyrum anymore. so i went outside and started looking. first in the front in case he was on the road. then around back and then i thought maybe he made it over to aunt cindy's. so i head over there and open the door, sure enough, he was chillin with cindy, eating goldfish. and he was as happy as can be. oh the little turd. i about crapped my pants looking for the little guy and he was just having a snack. needless to say the door stays closed and locked because he can open it.

i am pregnant for the 3rd time and so super sick. i work at bake central still but i'm starting to have to call in because i'm worthless there. lance's sister lindsey gets off her mission in a week tho and she said she was going to start working there again so maybe she'll take me spot till i have the baby or till she goes to school. i think its a boy and lance thinks its a girl. i'll tell you why i think its a boy. in my family, when we're pregnant with boys, we crave healthy things like fruit and stuff. and when we're pregnant with girls we want greasy, all things fried, donuts. with hyrum i craved fruit. citrus, strawberries, carrots, anything fruity or salad. with my last one (which i'm pretty sure was a girl) was wendy's wendy's wendy's…pop pop pop…and donuts galore. not to mention taco b, pizza, chips, nachos, and kfc. greasy greasy.  and right now i'll do anything for a grape fruit or strawberries. good thing we got some yesterday when we were in town for hyrum's dr appointment. i think lance just really wants a girl. i mean i want a girl too but as long as there's a healthy baby in there i'm happy.

a week or so ago i was at work and we got really really busy and there was a really high stress level along with running around and stuff. well i started cramping. the not friendly cramping. the hey something's wrong cramping. so i called sami perkins to trade me off and i went home and called the dr. he wanted me in. the receptionist said "right now". so jeez that got me worried and i started to panic. i called lance because i didn't want to be alone for some bad news. lance's boss is awesome and let him off a couple hours early. we got there and he tried to find a heart beat and couldn't find it…but i was about 8 and a half weeks so that was to be expected. however he was still a little worried and i was still freaked out so he sent us to ultra sound. they gave me a ton of water and put me in a little room to watch rocky 2. i tried to take my mind off of everything and just watch rocky and apollo right but then this goofy kid about lances age if not a couple years older came in and took us back. we found the heart beat…which was good. but there was also some light hemorrhaging. dr graham said that it wasn't anything to be really concerned about but that i'll start spotting in a few days and that he would be really surprised if i didn't. i still haven't. so i'm not exactly sure what that means that i was hemorrhaging. so i googled it. and number one rule during pregnancy (aside from the obvious don't smoke, no drugs or alcohol) is DO NOT GOOGLE!!! i googled. aaaaand according to google i have cancer and it's terminal and i'm going to die. so i just left it at that and i'm gonna just do with dr graham tells me to do.

hyrum just woke up and needs his medicine and i'm pretty sure he's gonna be super excited about breakfast this morning so i'm gonna get up and get him