updates on all of us: Lance is now working at the sugar factory in Rupert...or Paul. i'm not exactly sure which. it's all the same to me. but he works from 5:00 PM to 5:00 AM for 3 days on and 3 days off. he gets tired but it pays good and we need it...soooo bad. he's been trying to get a deer for the last couple weeks and hasn't seen a thing. lance is a special kind of husband. he'll do anything for me...unless it's fixing something, then i have to beg him and remind him constantly to do it. he gets frustrated but we always end in giggles. and he loves his little boy
Hyrum is walking everywhere. he just stands up where ever he's at and goes. he's getting better and better. we got his pictures taking with Charise, Lance's sister. she did such a good job. he's a cute little guy. his first word is "Amber". he loves his aunt Amber. he'll chose her over me any day of the week. his favorite thing to do is chase the dogs. they run from him and he giggles and chases them. he's such a good little boy. he is my favorite little boy.
i am working and busy. i work at bake central in malta on mondays and tuesdays and i really like it. working for the Bake's has been a really good thing for me. oh and i work with Bonnie. i love Bonnie. when i'm not working at bake central i'm cleaning, or doing laundry, or playing with hyrum, or doing stuff for the trucks. i didn't think that i would be able to keep this busy but, alas, i have. i got a new calling in church. i am now the enrichment leader...'s assistant. i basically just do what i'm told. i realllly want to do a craft for christmas so i've been looking at pinterest finding all sorts of artsy and craftsy stuff. and now i want to do EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. but i can't because it's 9:22 at night and i'm not talented. i'm still really struggling with the miscarriage. and when i see people due the same time as i was, i can't help but cry. i feel like my baby was taken away so that someone else can have theirs. someone, who i feel, is less deserving. but who am i to judge that??? who am i to feel like they don't deserve to have their child?? what the heck is wrong with me??!! i would really like to know. i wish they had a remedy for this empty feeling that i have. i love my boys. i do. lance and hyrum are my light in my dark and dreary world. but i have this empty crater in my gut and my soul and i just don't know how to fill it. i feel like i'm constantly sad. i have struggled with depression since i hit puberty and usually i can handle it in a way that people would barely notice. and if they did notice i would just say "i'm tired". but i can't do it anymore. when people ask whats wrong, i snap at them. i bite their heads off. i usually end up saying some smart aleky remark like "oh you know...i just had my baby die...inside of me. so i'm just doing swell" or "you don't care anyway so why should i tell you" and its starting to really effect (i'm pretty sure that's the right one) my relationship with people. i have been accused of being anorexic because i've lost a lot of weight. but when i was throwing up 5 times a day, i lost my fat and was getting my baby belly. when i got the baby taken out of my belly, it left me with nothing. and i haven't gained it back. i just really wish people would stop. a lot of times i just want to sit in my room by myself and not talk to anyone. my dr put me on anti-depressant. so that should be kicking in here in a bit. but me and lance are wanting to have another baby so i won't be able to take it. we aren't in the position to have another baby but i feel like that's for me and lance to decide and if we feel it's time for us, then that is our decision...leave us alone. we're gonna be poor with or without another baby. so...we might as well just have another one. i really just feel like no one cares. i feel like i'm alone in this. alone with lance. but he actually is happy and always joyful. i'm envious of him, really. i'm glad i have him to lift me up when i'm so low i can't even lift my head.
this was mostly depression. i'm sorry. but i can't really vent to anyone or tell anyone because i don't have anyone i can go to about these kinds of things. when i did try to go to people i was told to suck it up and be a big girl. or i was ignored. or something was said to make me feel stupid. and there's nothing worse than trying to talk to someone and feeling stupid or annoying. so i'm writing. to my future self. because i know i'm going to come back and read all of this and think, "dang, i was depressing." not a lot of people read this. and if they do, they don't read the whole thing, or they don't care. no one does care. i feel like i was just shoved into a mud puddle by some guy yelling "NOBODY CARES". he is right. he's definitely right.
