School for Lance

the past couple days have been better for us. since i've been on pain meds for the cramping and everything, lance has been taking good care of hyrum. i still can't lift him. he's too heavy and i'm always hurting myself. i've been wandering around more and having conversations more instead of being a recluse. ashley is here for a couple days to help me with hyrum while lance is starting school!

that brings me to the main event. LANCE STARTED SCHOOL!! he looked so cute when he left. and he even smelled really good. he started out in math. no one wanted to sit by him. he's convinced that his beard is intimidating. i think it was the wedding ring that deterred people. i mean, who likes to hang out with married guys that have beards? besides me. i obviously love hanging out with my bearded husband. he was late for his biology class. he's really excited for his biology class. you know....he likes science.

my dad came down today with ashley and gave lance a blessing for school and to work through the miscarriage. i've been wanting to get like a necklace or a ring or something in remembrance of our little sawyer. lance swears on his life that he truly believes the baby was a girl. he really feels strongly about it. so i believe him and we're going with her being a girl. i see everywhere people being pregnant and having ultrasounds of their healthy babies and i am so happy for them. i makes me sad that i wasn't able to have that, it stings a bite every time i see something. but that doesn't mean i'm not happy for my friends with their growing and developing babies. it just means i'm going to have to live vicariously through them till i can get a healthy baby of my own. i mean i already have one but after being so excited for our new one and then having her taken away i feel like i'm missing something. me and lance were playing with hyrum in the living room and we just kind of felt empty. like there was a person missing. i'm not sure if it's because she was there with us at the moment, or because we're dwelling on it.

i got emails from my brother and lance's sister. i really am missing them lately. i feel like if ty was home i would have had him come over and be with me. there's something about ty. i feel like i always go to him for a cheer up. lindsey sent lance a email. i feel like it helped him. we're planning on going to the temple on wednesday with my parents. i'm gonna see if lance's parents wanna come with us. there's a new film and i am excited to watch it.

i had a meltdown last night that only lance could help. poor guy. he's the glue to this family right now. people keep telling me that i'm such a strong individual and that my faith and testimony has helped some of them through their difficult times. i don't see it. i mean i see me moping around and holding hyrum every moment i get. if anyone is a strong person, it's lance. he never ceases to amaze me. i am very grateful to have him. i don't know what i'd do if i ever lost him.

this post is just a bunch of fluff. writing about it and talking about everything that's happened is helping me cope with my emotions and feelings. knowing that people support us and are praying for us is helping both me and lance. i feel like there are some people who are glad and don't feel bad for us at all. that breaks my heart but there are some people who will never be worth my time or my emotions. sorry but that's just how i feel. i've gotten a lot of calls and texts and i thank every one for that. i'm surrounded by a lot of people who love me and want the very best for me. i'm lucky. that's for sure.

baby Sawyer

me and lance had a terrible week. it started good on monday, tuesday it took a turn for the worst. at my first dr appointment i found out that the baby i was carrying and sooooo excited for had died a couple days earlier. something with chromosomes. wednesday wasn't good either and i started a little cramping. thursday i didn't even bother to get out of bed at all. and friday i went in for major surgery. ok it wasn't major. they didn't even cut me. but it was surgery because i was put under for it. really neat experience. but friday was the day they took the baby away from me. i went in pregnant and left loopy and not pregnant. i've been having terrible cramps and headaches since. and i'm still in mourning.

we wanted to find out the gender and name it (thank you nora terry for that idea) but they don't even see the baby they just vacuum it out, which i feel is super disrespectful to the little baby, but i guess it's the best way to get things done. so instead we went through a bunch of gender neutral names and stopped at sawyer. so our baby is a sawyer baby.

melanie came for a few days to take care of me and hyrum. thank heavens. i don't think i could have done anything but maybe burn the place down. lance's boss sent him home thursday morning to be with me because by then i was cramping more and worried i'd have to make an emergency run to the ER. the dr really didn't want me to pass it at home. he was worried about all the bleeding because the baby was kinda sorta big.

meanwhile i had a ton of support. thank you facebook friends. i got message after message. comment after comment about praying for us and i know it's been working. what doesn't help is the fact that some people don't think it's a big deal because "it's just a miscarriage" "you can always have more". but you know...it is a big deal. that was my child, and i'll never get to hold it, or tickle it, or teach it to rap fresh prince (i'm teaching hyrum slowly but surely). but you know what does help? knowing that i'm sealed to my family. being sealed is the best thing in the world. knowing that if anything happens to any of my family, i can be with them again. this is when living in logan and having the temple just down the road is really helpful. we can go anytime we want (when we can actually find a babysitter).

lance gave me an amazing blessing before we left to go to the hospital. we were all in tears (not a big surprise as most of our days have been filled with tears). he is such an amazing husband. can i just tell you?? he didn't leave my side all day friday. he carried me to the bathroom. he brought me anything that i needed. he snuggled with me when i was ready to die. he has been taking care of hyrum all day today because i'm still sorta loopy and they told me not to carry him for a few days. and he is just an all around amazing person. the best person that i know. hyrum is a little stink. he's been spoiled and now he feels like being spoiled some more and cries and cries when it's time to sleep. but he's also giggling all day. and hearing his giggle makes me forget my grief. makes both me and lance smile. i love my family. and now i just have another birthstone to eventually put with the rest of my kids. i want 7, you know.

so everyone is probably tired of hearing how miserable i am so this is it. this is the end of the misery. (public misery) no doubt i'll still cry in my bed at night, or hold hyrum and wonder why i can't have my baby sawyer with me. i can't look at my stomach and smile anymore now that i don't have anything but pizza in there. and a loss is a loss. i lost my baby. it's not something that goes away. it's a grieving process. but we'll be ok. it gets better every day. as long as we have each other and hyrum, we have everything.